Adoption Attachment Resources – Blogs

 

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One of the biggest challenges for me as an adoptive parent has been finding the right resources to meet the needs of my children.  I mention in my previous posts When Love Is Not Enough and When Love Is Not Enough Part 2 what some of these challenges are which we have faced.  When we began our adoption journey we spent a tremendous amount of time researching our children’s special needs, which are cleft lip and palate (two children) and congenital missing ribs resulting in tethered chord syndrome and scoliosis (one child).  We interviewed doctors, researched hospitals, talked with other parents raising children with the same special needs.  I spent a lot of time researching language acquisition, cultural traditions and holidays, and what it would mean to be a transracial family.  The latter was the topic of an entire course we were required to take before adoption #2 to ensure we were sensitive to our child’s birth culture and not raise our child “too white.” You know what really wasn’t on our radar? Reactive Attachment Disorder.   Continue reading

Four Years Later

Today marks the fourth “anniversary” of the death of My Love, Paul.  I still don’t really know how I want to refer to that day.  I see a lot of Christian widows refer to that day as “the day my spouse changed addresses,” or “home going,” or “angel-versary,” or even “Heavenly anniversary.” All, with the exception of “angel-versary,” are true statements for me.  I don’t believe my husband became an angel.  Angels are angels and humans have souls which go to Heaven to be with God.  It is true I believe Paul is in Heaven with God.  Intellectually and emotionally it brings me comfort on his behalf, and most of the other 364 days of the year (or 365 days in a Leap Year), I do feel happy for him.  Somehow though, by adopting the cheery “he changed his address” and others like it, make me feel I shouldn’t be sad about him not being here with me.  After all, isn’t our desire as Christians, our ultimate desire, to be with God in Heaven? I feel sadness. I feel sadness about my son going to his friend’s Eagle Scout ceremony later today and his returning to the house sad he does not have a Dad to give the “Dad” pin to when he becomes an Eagle Scout.  I know every time we attend this type of ceremony it opens this wound for him and how much more so it will today of all days.  The only thing worse than my own sadness, is to witness the tremendous loss my children experience on big event days, me knowing there is no way I can or should try to make up for it.   Continue reading

Letter to My Friend Who Became A Widow Last Week

friends-photos-free-download-girls-heartDearest Friend,

First of all, I love you. I am so incredibly sorry you are having to experience the gut-wrenching pain of the loss of your Love. He was a good husband, father, a kind and generous man, funny, talented, and searched for meaning beyond the surface of life. Most of the time friends are happy when another friend joins their club, their sisterhood. However, being a member of the widow sisterhood is one club none of us wants to belong to and we wouldn’t wish it on even the meanest person we know. Continue reading

You Can’t Fix Grief

Last year I entered my local library’s Adult Creative Writing contest in the category of “Children’s Fiction.” I was awarded an Honorable Mention and the award gave me the confidence to continue to write.  At the beginning of January 2016, I set a goal to enter the contest again.  However, as the deadline of January 31st loomed large and I did not have a work of children’s fiction complete enough to enter, I began to panic a bit.  A lot. I can’t explain to you why but it felt to me that if I did not meet my goal to enter the contest, I would never meet another goal again.  Totally.over.dramatic.  With days left, I looked at the other categories I could enter and eliminating short story and poetry, I felt my best shot was the Informal Essay category.  I decided to write about grief because it is something I am intimately familiar with and knew I could get something done.  It didn’t have to be good, it just had to be done and in the mail, goal accomplished.  Long story short, I won.  Last week I had the honor of reading an edited version of my essay to the crowd at the awards reception.  I say “edited” because I needed to fit my reading in to a five minute time limit.  I think it is better than the original.  I took out the snarky, whiney bits, and got to the heart of my point.  I hope my words might provide insight or comfort to someone walking the journey that is grief.  Continue reading